Ramblings of the Witch in the Wood

(I’m about to tell you my answer.)

This is often where our greatest power lies, especially if you’re a feminine being. This vulnerable sharing is the core of who we are.

So I want to share with you what I really, really don’t want you to know, but what I *know* that I need to finally share.

For many reasons I have demurred here, and the first “secret” isn’t so secret really, but the second is very tender.

I am a witch. In my tradition the actual names that I use are (usually) trollkona, seidhkona, and volva at various times. Specifically I am a shamanic practitioner within the Nordic tradition and work with all kinds of magic. Primarily I’m a left hand path kind of person, if you know what that means. Practically what it means is that everything you have to bring is welcome here. It doesn’t matter how dirty, low, crude, or unacceptable you think a thing is, it is welcome here and we can almost certainly use it as an ally in where you’re going.

Also, I am an avatar of the goddess Freyja.
There’s a lot to this, but what I want to emphasize here is that I claim this not to set myself up as some kind of “higher being” or something superior to anyone else.
I say this not only because it is my truth, but also because we are all Divinity Incarnated here as humans. Some of us are closer to our essence and have fewer things in front of it than others so some of us appear more Divine than others.
If you know you’re a goddess who deserves the life of a goddess, I’m the person for you. One of the things that my energetic work does is to trigger any and all of the things that are blocking your full expression of Divinity so they can be seen and healed/integrated to allow your full self to blossom. Also, while I always encourage people to do their own self-exploration if there’s an “archetype” or face of the Divine you want to claim (like Freyja), I am gifted in helping people find their Divine identities.

This post was not intended to necessarily be a call to work with me, but if this helps you feel clear that you do indeed want to work with me, get in touch. Let’s work out the perfect mentorship plan for you!

Some of you are not meant to live a busy, connected life in the middle of society or a large community. Some of you are the Wise Women, the Wizards, living on the edge of society with little contact. No one teaches that anymore because very few practice it anymore and those who do are typically, well, isolated.

The real question is how can we do this? How can we disentangle from the system enough to live the life we were meant to live and do the work we are here to do? How do we revolutionize our personal lives while still living in this dominator culture system we live in?

These are the questions that my mentorship addresses.
I am one who needs to live a quiet, magical life with just my few deep connections, and still I have the support of my community of ancestors and guides.

Once you disconnect from the energies you are not meant to play with and start leaning into who you are supposed to be with, life gets much better.
At first it can be difficult as you start to do things that are completely not “normal” in our society. There is a period of loss that happens. Not everything in your life now can pass through the portal to the life you are meant to have.

This is when you need some of the most support. It can be tempting to turn back. However, once you make it through the portal and start to really see and feel how amazing life is when you live the way your Soul intends for you to live, the sun starts to peek through the darkest clouds.

The other side is pure bliss. Connected, supported in your every move while you bask in your complete trust of the deeply supportive love that surrounds you, that you cannot get away from.

You cannot get away from the love that is pursuing you. That love will have you. You can make it harder or easier for the connection to happen, and you can run for a while, but sometimes the path is to learn how to be still so it can catch up to you.

There are a couple of ways to work with me: One is a 12 month mentorship with biweekly calls and Voxxer support.
The other is a new offering which is 2 weeks of Voxxer or Facebook messenger support. This is a great opportunity if you’ve been wanting to work with me but finances are an issue for the longer committment.

I don’t know how long I’ll offer the Voxxer-only path, and I do know that if ti lasts the price will not stay where it is at. I don’t say this to create false scarcity, but just to let you know what my guides are telling me.

For now the 2 weeks of Voxxer or Facebook voice/text message support is only $333, and I have limited availability.

Reach out to me if you’re interested and we can talk about what your challenges and goals are.

I’ve done years of personal work. I’ve been in a healing profession for over a decade and been committed to personal work for much longer than that.

So what do I do when things don’t seem to be going right, when the fulfilment of *the* dream seems stalled?
What is to be done when you’ve done all the work, you’ve faced all the blocks and *defeated* them but you just can’t seem to find what’s in the way of your next level?

In most of the personal development industry the answer is to find the next block. Search for a thing, a wound, a broken part to poke at and “fix,” a block or trauma to face and “defeat” or “overcome.”

The problem is that the more you walk a spiritual path of radical acceptance or the more you “ascend the levels” of the personal growth pyramid, the more elusive these blocks become or the more reluctant you are to call any part of yourself the culprit for your stunting.

When we look at this from an animist/shamanic perspective we see that there are really no enemies. Opponents are there purely for our own good.

One of my favorite tropes from the Scandinavian tradition that I’m a part of is the need to face the giantess, who appears to be the obstacle, and fall in love with her. In fact, our hero comes out victorious not when he slays the giantess, but when he sees her for the shining goddess she truly is and proposes marriage to her.

So what does that look like for you and I?

Run towards the fear.
For real.

I don’t mean that you should put yourself in circumstances that are unsafe or where you feel truly unsafe.
No, instead I mean for the calling to be to move towards it while remaining in your ability to be true to yourself.

This is easiest way I know to find your fastest path to your next level.
This is the path that my tradition teaches is the most powerful and direct path to the fulfillment of your orlog.

Orlog is fate, destiny, the thing that you have inherited at birth (or before) as your highest fulfillment in this life.
It is the thing that calls you forward, but more on that another time.

If you seek your greatest most blissful fulfillment, the path to your next level is exactly this.

This path through the walls of fire is not for the faint of heart.
This is a path that I know well and it is my calling to be a guide to those who are ready to walk towards the fear and see it as the ally it is.

If you’re ready to call the volva/witch to be your guide on your journey, reach out to me. I would love to chat about where you’re at in this journey and how I can help guide you to your next place of transformation.

What is your next level? And, no, not necessarily in business. This isn’t another post about scaling or making 20k months or anything like that. This is much more comprehensive than that.

I know that for some of you, your next level is to really dive into the world and the mysteries of the mystical. I know this because I’m being asked to invite just two very special individuals from the communities I’m connected to into a year long walk with me.

Two of you are ready to apprentice to a mystic right now, and since you are ready I, the teacher, am appearing.

This path is not for the uncommitted. It’s not for someone who is looking for a linear approach to life. Do not apply if you’re just looking for the next business or spiritual strategy that will give you X result every time you apply it. This path is not that predictable, nor that transferable.

This path is personal. What will you uncover?

What I can tell you about the mystical path that applies to pretty much all the mystics I’ve known or studied is that it is a path of ecstasy, a path of personal connection and relationship to the Divine as an embodiment of pure love.

This path is one that can only be walked, it cannot be described. Lately I’ve learned that the ancient Sufi teachers (a mystical sect of Islam) wrote that if you want to meet God, the best way is to go meet one of God’s friends (the mystics) and have them introduce you. This is the path.

No one can tell you what your path is, but there are time tested methods that mystics across time and traditions have used to uncover their paths and walk them.

As we work together over the coming year, we will uncover what your unique mystical path is and I will hold your hand as you walk down it.

The path is not always comfortable. I can promise you that we will come to your edges, and we will expand them. We will go places you have never gone and have always secretly wished you could.

Everyone’s “results” are slightly different. What will your life be like after you directly experience the Divine love that is behind our entire existence? Who will they be to you?

If you feel pulled to explore this work, please visit the application or email me for more information. Because this path is so personal and unique the best way to explore further what work together will look like is for us to connect and discuss it.

The Divine is waiting for you. Are you ready to make this the year where you finally take the plunge into the discomfort of your mystical path?

I want to talk about manifestation for a moment. I’m a huge proponent of the path of desire and loss. (I used to just call it the path of desire, but loss is an integral part of that in this world.)

I don’t do manifestation coaching per se, but manifestation is a large part of building your dream life, which is something I do work with both for myself and for my clients.

Here’s the main question:
Are you in love with your dream?

Manifestation in the mystic path isn’t you commanding your dream into form. You are not controlling or commanding the Universe nor the Divine. You are in love with them. There is an aspect of claiming here: You claim your desire like a lover. In these relationships we claim our lovers, but it is no good if the claiming/choosing is one sided. Your lover must also claim you.

This creates polarity itself – the desiring of each end for the other

The mystic path is the path of being in the dance of Lover and Beloved with the Divine. That applies here to manifestation as well. It can be scary since you can’t always know how someone else feels about you.

The Way is to make your declarations of love with no compromise and no hesitation. Yes, you may get your heart broken open.

This is the risk of living as a Lover/Beloved.

Heartbreak and grief are inevitable in this lifetime. Are you prepared to face them in service of your Path and your Desire?

If you need help facing this, or you want to face it but feel like there are things holding you back, get in touch. My superpower is helping people to walk this path of desire and harness the grief and heartbreak for your spiritual growth.

I’m currently engaged in writing a book about grief and loss as a mystical path to spiritual growth. At this time of year when we are in the timeless space of the days between solstice and the new year starting, I felt this excerpt was very timely.

“The experience of grief herself is very much like the spiritual journey. No two paths are the same and trying to compare the values of different paths or experiences is worse than useless. Just because someone else’s grief seems to be hurting them more than your grief over a similar loss does not mean that you loved less well, but this is the lie we often tell ourselves as we judge our grieving. In fact, I would say that this practice of judging our grieving, of comparing our experience of grief to anyone else’s or even our own other experiences of grief is just another way of trying to avoid being with the grief. If we are judging the experience we are not truly engaging in it.

Grief does not paralyze us because there is any attempt to harm nor because there is an honoring of the departed in the motionlessness itself, rather grief is asking us to stop for a moment and give ourselves some space. This is a powerful ask in today’s industrialized world where productivity is king and stillness is not considered productive. That is why grief is such a powerful partner in our spiritual journey in our current world. It’s why I have seen so many people grow in unexpected and powerful ways through consciously engaging with grief.

Grief is asking us to be still and feel. This is the mystic’s path, the path of feeling deep love completely and, through that experience, drawing close to the Divine. That sounds very grand, as though there is something that happens in addition the the grief to get you to the place of experiencing the Divine. Often people feel that they can’t possibly be a mystic or follow that path because there’s something “those people” know that they do not. Something that we mystics have figured out that the rest of you don’t have access to. The truth is that this is not the case. What we have is an understanding that these experiences are a brush with the Divine just by being what they are.”

God Jul!

Ego death – what is it really?
Is it necessary for spiritual advancement? Is it a patriarchal construct? Is it, in fact, harmful?

Lately I’ve seen a lot of really great arguments about how ego death is, in fact, destructive despite the history of hundreds of years of great spiritual traditions espousing it.
And I agree. Sort of.

I spent a minute in this no ego death ever camp. The ego is an important component of the human makeup. Killing it seems to be a patriarchal construct. At least this idea that we’ve seen in the modern versions of the spiritual traditions that espouse ego death.

These traditions currently seem to argue that the ego is bad and should be killed, after which you should live your life in a better way egoless.

I believe that this is, in fact, a patriarchal construct on top of the spiritual practice and philosophy.

On the other hand, the idea that the ego should never die, never be killed is also a patriarchal construct. This comes from the non-integration of the Dark Feminine, the death aspect of the goddess.

When we look at what nature teaches us, from an animist perspective, we see something different.

If we collectively are an organism (think Gaia) then it is only through the deaths of some parts of our collective organism that there is room for further growth, both literally, and these deaths feed the components of the organism who still live, or who are born from these deaths.

Yes, the ego should die. And it should be reborn.
We are truly not meant to be egoless. But refusing to let the ego die when it should is to encourage a psychological cancer. Cancer is defined by the cells involved becoming immortal when they should still be constrained by their cyclical death and rebirth.

We often talk about the butterfly as the metaphor for spiritual awakening. For the butterfly to be, first the caterpillar must die. No, the constituent cells do not die, they simply rearrange, but the caterpillar itself must necessarily die in order for the imaginal cells to be formed into a butterfly.

It’s a complex, conflict ridden, and presumably painful experience for the caterpillar and their cells. This is what ego death often looks like.

Our egos adopt so much programming in order to protect us, to fit in with the society in which we live. That’s not bad in itself, but as we grow beyond that, the ego panics. For us to live in a different way the ego must be killed as it cannot be adequately retrained.

The ego dies and its component parts reform to build… yes, a new ego. An ego that now is more free from outside programming, an ego that is more Self and less not-self than the last incarnation.

This is, in fact, one of the things we are talking about when we discuss the shamanic type initiation journey where the spirit worker dies and is reborn in order to occupy their new place in society.

Embrace the death of your ego. Kill it, again and again. Mercy kill it to allow its daughter to arise, just like the Phoenix you are.

For exponential increases in your power? For a new or newly deepened mission in the world?

As in the Voluspa:
“21. She remembers the first war in the world
when Gullveigr [Gold Power-Drink]
was hoist on the spears
and in the High One’s hall they burned her;
Three times they burned the Three Times Born
often, not seldom, yet she still lives!

22. She was called Heiðr [Heath/Bright Open Space]
when she came to the settlements,
the well-divining vǫlva;
She could cast spells
She did seiðr wherever she could
She did seiðr with a playful intent
She was always loved by wicked/ill women”
– translated by Maria Kvilhaug

I am the “woman who makes a bad wife” (an alternate translation of “ill women” in the previous stanza), as are my people. We are not content with what society has handed us, with what gender and other archetypal roles in society say we should want or be satisfied with, we long for something more. Something wilder.
Are you one of us?

You feel the Something More calling you deep in your heart.
No matter how much cultural conditioning or masking overlays it, you can feel the desperate longing in your heart for your home in the Something More.

Today we live in a society that is both barren of the Something More, and beginning to experience a reluctant but ever-expanding renaissance of it simultaneously.

With so many hungry and seeking, where do you turn? Who will be the mistresses for the apprentices of the next wave? The ones who will lead the masses?

Are you ready to die?
If you want to be initiated into the mysteries of the Something More, yes, you are.

Plenty of people have rejiggered mystery schools to make them easier, more symbolically metaphoric, gentler. I’m not saying that’s a wrong path, it’s just not mine. Is it yours?
I’ve been initiated more than once at this point, and even though I’m frequently convinced I’m actually dying during the process, or have truly died at its end, I always come back.

“Often [they killed her], not seldom, and yet still she lives!”

I’ve included these stanzas from the Voluspa of the Poetic Edda because they are a succinct summary of what mysteries I embody. What mysteries I will lead you through.

Mostly when we think of a mystery school we think of the Greco-Roman craze for mystery schools. These are the Mysteries of Demeter, the Roman Mysteries of Isis, Roman Mithraism, and, yes, even Christianity in its early forms.

All of them involve a ritual dying with the deity in question (or one she loves) and a resurrection through the deity. This is a good start, but there is more. More that is illustrated in the stanzas about Gullveig and Heidhr.

The mysteries I embody will have you completing something like the archetypal hero’s journey.
Yes, the death and rebirth are there. The idea and deep knowing that you cannot truly be killed is there. The idea that each death, each pass through the fire on spears, exponentially increases your power, but one very important feature is this: After initiation you receive a new name and a new or deepened mission in the world.
After initiation you are a new person with a new perspective, new insight, and a new position and path in your life and in the community.

This is the path of the animist spirit worker, commonly called a shaman in English.
We see these patterns of initiatory death, power gathering, and rebirth in many, many animist traditions. Whatever your path, chances are good that there is a representation of this pattern in your stories.

I will lead you down this path while teaching you how to bond to your own spirit lineage, no matter how lost or broken the connection between yourself and your modern people with your ancient lineage.

Are you ready? Nevermind, you may never feel ready.
Are you feeling the desire for the Something More?
Are you feeling the terror of That Which Lies Beyond?

Come, join me on this journey or send me an email to start the conversation.

Are you in the underworld right now? Are you in the dark?
Maybe you feel like your life just *is* darkness, all the time.

What if I told you that the underworld is where women and feminine folks (really everyone, but more especially us) go to retrieve our power?
We’re so familiar with the masculine journey, the hero’s journey. Some people, like Joseph Campbell, have tried to make it apply to all of us, but it doesn’t quite.

The heroine’s journey is different. It, like all of these journeys, comes in as many variations as there are people who walk the path, but there are certain mythic themes that we all pass through.

Have you considered yourself as a mythic hero?
Well, if you’re reading this, you are. Truly.

There are many underworld journeys you will take in your life. Some are just brief visits, some are long journeys, and some are homecomings.
Yes, some of us live in the underworld. Not everyone, but those of us who do are not being tortured, or at least we don’t have to be.
We are queens of hel. Like Hela, like Gerda, like Persephone. We don’t necessarily spend all our time in the underworld, but we do spend a lot of time there.

It can be easy though. This is where we belong, after all.

Writing this I’m recalled of a dream I had several months ago when I was going through a massive trial of physical pain.

In my dream I was curled up in a child’s pose type position, naked, weeping, and lying on the stony ground in the deep dark of the underworld.

At first I thought I was stuck in hel (read that with an eternity of resentment behind it).
Then I realized I was living in hel. On purpose. And that I didn’t need to be stuck in the middle of this barren plain, naked, and in pain. I could actually organize my followers to build me a palace. I don’t really want to leave, and I don’t want to suffer. And both are choices, truly.

A Queen of Hel is in charge of the narrative in Hel. It’s your realm, the citizens are your people.

Maybe you’re stuck in Hel because you need to meet the Goddess who reflects your current Soul archetype right now. She can be terrifying, it can be hard to walk through her well-guarded flaming walls and into her startlingly splendid light.

She appears to be a monstrous giant. She will probably eat you.

And yet, the myths tell us that if you can approach her with the knowledge and the ability and the guts to claim who you truly are, your true name that you may yet have forgotten, she will welcome you with open arms.

What is that name? The name below the name?
Can you claim it strongly enough that She believes you? That you believe you?

That’s how you get there. Wherever your next level is, it’s just beyond your claiming of your true nature, your true name.

I have a couple of spots open to work with me on this journey to claim your name and your throne. Get in touch over email or by visiting the application page.

Please note that the pricing listed on the application page is for a one year journey, I also have availability for 6 month commitments at this time.

Let’s talk about the real thing that’s happening right now…
For me, for you, for so many folks that I’ve been in contact with lately.
Maybe it’s the stars, the moon, or the season… who knows, but I know that it’s definitely happening.

Death portals – what happens when something dies? Something huge, something that was a part of your identity?

I’m experiencing a massive death.
It’s terrifying.

I know many of you are as well.

I wonder if it will consume my whole life.
Will my primary relationship die?
Will I die?

It’s not clear yet, everything is still swirling. So much so that since Monday night I feel dizzy all the time.

My business-child is dying. I’m killing her.
Well, let’s be clear: She’s been dying for several months and expressing it in several ways. I’ve been pouring my energy into her keep her going for these 11 months, but now I’m not.
Now I’m mercy killing her. Releasing her to return to the All That Is.

She’s been my whole life for so long. In fact, part of this is that I’m also walking away from my identity as a veterinarian.
That will always be a part of me, but I’m stepping away from that being my primary expression of who I am in public life.

I don’t know what comes next.

This is part of our terror of death. What happens next? We don’t know.
Just like if you remembered being in the womb and understood that birth and an absolutely complete shift of your experience was about to come in ways that you could not understand yet.

I’m surrounded by death all the time. That’s what it is to be a DeathWife. I’m married to Death. I live with Death.

It’s a bit different than dying myself. Even when I walk close family members through death, as I did recently when my dear familiar Pippi Fluffstocking died and I had the opportunity to walk her through her dying and walk my partner (and myself) through the process as well.

This isn’t just someone near me dying, this is my own death. It’s been a long time since I’ve passed through a self-death portal… and this might be the biggest one yet.

I referred to these paths and practices in my previous post about suicide. In the months leading up to this death I’ve had intense suicidal ideation.
I want to live though… and I will.

But in order to live, in order to really live, I have to kill the things that are hanging out in and around me that are not me. They have to leave, and if they can’t or won’t, they must be killed.

I can’t tell you what the result is yet. I’m not there. We’re still in the death moments.
I’m still holding her like my baby and releasing body wracking sobs. She’s still very warm in my arms.

Maybe you are as well. Things are dying or have just died. Everything is still dark in this void space so close to Death. All the light and joy seems to be sucked out of your life as you walk in this liminal space. This space between spaces.

What I know as a DeathWalker, deep in my bones, is that there is another thing coming.
It’s very hard for me to face this, and this is what I do in my life. It would be impossible without the support I have around me.

If you find yourself in this space of who you are, who you have been, dying, or you know that such a death is on the horizon, I am available to support just a very small number of people who are passing through or want to walk the path of death and rebirth but are terrified to trigger it on your own.

Visit the application page to get started on your journey, or drop me a note if you have questions.